minor9th.com • March 2004 archive

Butterflies

Going there again tomorrow. Via Chicago.

My stomach has already plaited itself just thinking about the bit where the engines start up and the tin can with all us fragile lumps of pinky watery stuff bobbling around inside begins to hurtle down the tarmac.

Note to self: stop being a wuss.

posted on March 28, 2004 { 9 comments }
How To: Sex In The City

Ingredients:
Four independent thirtysomething women (one slightly horsey)
A multitude of model-material boyfriends
A couple of screamingly camp gay friends
A warehouse of clothes that you never thought would work together
Shoes. With a capital S.
A slightly naughty theme tune

Method:

1. Four women in randomly chosen clothes from the Warehouse of Dysfunction appear. Outfits are groundbreaking (or just plain upsetting). We see them in a swanky restaurant for lunchy munchies, where all four of them push their food around their plates a bit without eating a bloody thing (a bit like all customers of The Diner in Home and Away, or the Coffee Shop in Neighbours). We become involved in their banter for a few minutes, until a Personal Problem gets aired by Ugly Bint Someone, after which we are treated to the witty responses of the other three.

2. Later, Ugly Bint Someone With Personal Problem, now wearing a different outfit, goes Shoe shopping with pet gay man. Pet gay man attempts to offer advice on the Personal Problem, but fails because his voice is too staccato, whiny and high pitched to concentrate on. Pet gay man then attempts to hump lady's leg, fails again. Pet gay man attempts to hump shop assistant's leg, fails yet again.

3. Graphic scenes of the sexual exploits of the eldest, horniest woman in which we see waaaaay too much pubic hair and sweat and more pubic hair and some convoluted piece of novelty sexual apparatus.

4. Cut to horsey woman (new outfit, ridiculous Shoes) loafing around her apartment, pondering the Personal Problem revealed at lunch. In third person. Watch her formulate a Life Question and type it beautifully onto her laptop (no typos, no mistakes, no bloody Paperclip to ask if she'd like help writing her wanky column).

5. Ad break: Baileys, Persil, Tampax, Anna Friel whining about how walking to the shops cost her £4060 because she was duped into buying some Shoes which cost £60 per step before 7pm and £40 after (silly bint), some brummy woman with a megaphone exclaiming "Don't panic, I've got this week's Heat", Tampax (again).

6. Four women do dinner this time, new outfits (is that hat made out of the previous scene's Shoes?), horse-woman bumps into one of her many exes, who is thirty-four years older than her. Horse woman attempts to snog face off ex, tries really hard not to walk off with his false teeth in her cheek. Whilst she's chewing on his polygrip ultra, she realises she has just discovered the solution to this week's Personal Problem. She also realises that none of them have jobs unless the storyline requires them to sleep with a colleague/manager/cleaner with some sort of sexual problem, or who is hung like a drayhorse. She skips down the street in a tutu (where did she change outfits? We can't keep up). Gets Shoe horribly caught in drain cover.

7. Ugly Bint Someone gets shagged yet never removes bra.

8. Blindingly obvious yet entirely hypocritical moral solution to Personal Problem is padded out into a 10 minute monologue played over scenes of a horse and cart in ~~Center Parcs~~ Central Park with a patronising voiceover, finishing with "in summary... yes." By this time we've forgotten the question. Which leaves us wondering if the horsey woman had schizophrenia and the three other characters were merely outward representations of her multiple personalities... or perhaps just a tiresome plot-line device in her column.

9. After credits finish rolling, horsey woman screams at her 'Friends' in the mirror, crushes can of Red Bull and then attempts to lean out of her penthouse balcony and hit someone on the head with it.

This loving tribute to the sextravaganza that was Sex In The City involved some kinky three way action between Simon, Sarah and Ben.

posted on March 21, 2004 { 9 comments }
Yes I'm a natural blue...

I saw Finding Nemo twice over the weekend and my my, I thought it was wonderful. In fact I think it even restored the joie de vivre that I've been lacking recently. On the DVD you can play a game called Fisharades, during which Dory occasionally chimes in with "My name's Dory, here's my story. I live in the reef and I don't eat beef". She's brilliant. Anyone feeling late winter blues: I prescribe a weekend of pub lunching, disney / pixar films, wine and silly dancing.

posted on March 16, 2004 { 8 comments }
Two Hours, Seven Minutes

We did it! The four of us staggered around our various portions of the Reading half marathon in a total 2 hours and 7 minutes, raising a total of £316 for NCH in the process. Not bad at all. Pictures here.

The Law of Sod did of course throw a couple of spanners in - the camera got somewhat waylaid halfway through the proceedings, and as John was approaching the handover point form which I carried on to complete the final leg, the heavens opened. Sideways. A four mile wide horizontal block of sleet and snow. Thousands of heads and arms quickly became numb. Hair cruelly ravaged. It was worth it to see the throng of exhausted bodies in the Madejski stadium at the end, collectively giving off steam and tucking into Soreen bars...

Many thanks to the following who pledged their cash for our pain:
Martyn Humphreys
Davros Gould
Sarah D (aka not you, the other one)
Ben Werdmuller
Tom Coates
Ben Supper
Jessica Love

posted on March 08, 2004 { 5 comments }
Keep On Running...

This Sunday, I'll be running a quarter of the Reading half marathon as part of a four-strong relay team with my colleagues at work. I'm running the last leg (which is about 3 miles). Our team name, as we're all software developers, is Runtime Variable. Yes it's a geeky name, yes I thought it up and no, I'm not ashamed...

Of course, it's all for charidee, and we're supporting National Children's Charities. I'm looking for sponsors! If you'd like to sponsor our team we'd be eternally grateful. Please contact me with your name, address and postcode and the amount you would like to pledge. I'll be taking pictures on the day to go in the photolog as living proof of our perseverence and perspiration (bear in mind none of us are especially fit). All sponsors will be named and thanked on this site and if you sponsor us for £5 or more I'll make you a mix CD with some lovely tunage on it. Because I'm nice like that. Go on! Do a good deed for the day!

posted on March 02, 2004 { comment }

Butterflies

How To: Sex In The City

Yes I'm a natural blue...

Two Hours, Seven Minutes

Keep On Running...