Simon Pearson - minor9th.com

It was lonely, really lonely

posted in Science, Television

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The Beat Goes On

posted in Life, Television

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So I have aged another year: no longer able to call myself an early twenty-something. Comfortingly, paranoid glances in the mirror reveal that crows feet are still a long way off. On the other hand, it seems neural degeneration has commenced in earnest. The most adult conversation had whilst making dinner this evening occurred after a discussion of wooden spoon rhythms culminated in the question:

“What if Simon Amstell were to present Countdown?”

Channel 4 would doubtless pay the saviour of Never Mind The Buzzcocks a vast sum of money to sit in for a week, throw withering comments at a cowering Carol Vorderman and reduce the already-timid dictionary corner to page-quivering wrecks. Surely ratings would soar as tantalised television viewers at home collectively held their breath in anticipation of the dreaded taboo: the tawdry yet inevitable puns on Richard Whiteley’s untimely death, and the resulting gasps of disapproval from a loyal studio audience of grieving would-be widows.

Yes – it’s all downhill from here. When the only constructive conversation that can be had involves cruel, questionable make-believe television programmes, you know there’s not long before all that’s left is to babble in a nondescript manner about the weather (and haven’t we had a dreadful summer!). And I’m not the only one whose marbles are rolling away: other housemate is cramming his mouth with last year’s Christmas pudding smeared with Flora and bathed in milk.

It’s all going terribly wrong. Send help.

Charlotte Church intimidates me

posted in Celebrity, Music, Television

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Barely 21, Welsh songstress-turned-TV-sleb Charlotte Church has announced that she’s preggers.

Come on Charlotte, just slow down and let the rest of us feel good about our achievements! You’ve already been a child star, successfully morphed your angelic-voiced 13-year-old self into a filthy-sounding twenty-something vixen without going off the rails like one of your American contemporaries. Your boyfriend is about five times bigger than you. You’ve called Gary Lineker a muppet.

What’s next? Are you going to knock out a PhD by the time the little one’s born? Perhaps stand for PM? Reveal a secret aptitude for flying fighter jets?

Neighbours at Christmas

posted in Television

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Check this out. Especially Harold’s dancing… {via lowculture}

Never mind, Mark Lamarr

posted in Gay, London, Music, Television

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How good is Never Mind The Buzzcocks these days? Last night’s episode with John Barrowman and Daniel Be-ding-ding-ding-field was a masterpiece. Between bouts of coughing, we were all in stitches – even Davros, despite his disdain for all things poofy.

Hoorah Simon Amstell. I wish I’d shaken you by the hand that one time I bumped into you and Miquita in Wagamama…

Incidentally, I’ve been tinkering with Google blog search to find more reaction to last night’s NMTB:

• Naked Blog – “My God how Amstell has revitalised that show, so turgid under Mark (Brylcreem) Lamarr.”
• Rosie T – “How am I supposed to indulge my fantasies of whisking the skinny little indie thing away and englightening him to the benefits of the love of a good woman when he is so flagrant in his gayness? I ask you!”

In unrelated TV news: The IT crowd has been commissioned for an 8-episode second series, and the DVD of the first series has l33t subtitles. R0xx0r!!11

Yet more joyous TV news: Dark Season is available on DVD! Thankyou, BBC for inadvertently answering my prayers.

Not a spoof

posted in Humour, Television

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Least-appropriately named eyewitness in the history of television, on Flickr.

Whilst waiting for Broken News to start on BBC4, we were wondering whether they’d accidentally started broadcasting it on BBC News 24 when we heard a telephone interview given by the least-appropriately named eyewitness in the history of television…

On the glorious return of This Life

posted in Television

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Last week’s news of a one-off feature-length This Life extravaganza has had me making all sorts of excited noises. I doubt it will resolve the gnawing in my stomach when series two ended with all manner of cliffhangers in 1997. Foolishly I believed that rewatching all the episodes this summer would give me some closure, but once again the last episode rolled around and I hurled both my shoes (and all the other footwear in the house) at the TV crying “how dare you, BBC2! What will Egg do now he’s found out that Milly’s been romping that limp-haired rat? What will Warren make of Ferdy’s new bloke? Will Milly and Rachel gouge each others’ eyes out? What disastrous colour with Kira’s hair be next series? Will Moore, Spencer, Wright ever upgrade to Windows 98?? Aaaaargh!”.

No doubt these are questions that the screenwriters have been pondering over the summer (especially that last one), but with nothing to go on we have but to eagerly await the reunion, due to be broadcast later this year. In the meantime, we needn’t wonder what’s been happening to the actors’ careers in the last ten years: this loving article – clearly written by a fellow fan – fills in all the gaps.

Wibble wobble

posted in Film, Life, Music, Television, Web

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Rather unexcitingly, I’ve been having one of those indeterminate little life wobbles recently, in which I’ve been feeling a little unsettled and generally grumpy most of the time. In an effort to shake this, I’ve been going out and seeing all sorts of good music, and consuming some wonderful things. None of these seems to have done the trick just yet, but I’m feeling optimistic.

Things which have been floating my boat recently, and which should be at least entering your general pond:

• Google Calendar – I especially love the way it integrates with GMail – when emails with events come in, GMail provides a link to add it directly to the calendar. Look out, Outlook (OK, I’ll hand myself in to the Pun Police)
• Belleville Rendez-vous – wonderfully diverting, mind-expanding and wholly endearing piece of animation. I’m not the only one who loves it – Metacritic: 91, IMDB: 7.7.
• 

  Kate Rusby – she’s been loved for a few years in Pearson Towers but I only saw her live last week at The Big Ask Live at Koko (VIP ticket very generously supplied by Stephen, who won a pair over at Friends Of The Earth). Also great to see Thom Yorke and Jonny Greenwood playing some new Radiohead material (I have very high hopes for the new album) as well as a good chunk of the downright awesome classics. It’s been 6 years since I last saw Radiohead. Shows how poor I am, I guess.

• Being a hermit (did I mention this already? Hiding under the duvet and chomping an easter egg whilst watching Miles and Anna arguing is just excellent)
• This Life – for all its dodgy acting, annoying (arty) shaky camerawork, persistent references to the 90s and the odd laughable computer, it’s still compelling drama. Thank goodness for the DVD.
• Soil and Pimp – giant Japanese jazz artists with so much energy you wonder exactly what the pimp has been feeding them.
• 

  Ginglik – this tiny little club is surely the dictionary definition of intimate. At The Big Secret on a Wednesday it’s all sofas, drapes and the Wand Of Silence – waved at noisemakers by Amity the host – as she presides over an evening of live music from carefully selected up-and-coming singer/songwriters. Inspiring stuff.

And now off to the pub in search of a much-needed Corona at dusk. I think it should definitely be late spring all year round.

The IT Crowd

posted in Humour, Television

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So who watched this on Channel 4 on Friday night? I hadn’t really intended to, but then I was struck down by the most violent cold I’ve had for a while, so I had no option but to guzzle smoothie and vegetate in front of our dinky little tellybox.

My initial thoughts? In no particular order: incredible opening titles; Maurice is my favourite (and most original) sitcom character for a long time; nothing like my office. Phew.

You can download Episodes 1 & 2 here.

How To: Sex And The City

posted in Celebrity, Humour, Television

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Ingredients:
Four independent thirtysomething women (one slightly horsey)
A multitude of model-material boyfriends
A couple of screamingly camp gay friends
A warehouse of clothes that you never thought would work together
Shoes. With a capital S.
A slightly naughty theme tune

Method:

1. Four women in randomly chosen clothes from the Warehouse of Dysfunction appear. Outfits are groundbreaking (or just plain upsetting). We see them in a swanky restaurant for lunchy munchies, where all four of them push their food around their plates a bit without eating a bloody thing (a bit like all customers of The Diner in Home and Away, or the Coffee Shop in Neighbours). We become involved in their banter for a few minutes, until a Personal Problem gets aired by Ugly Bint Someone, after which we are treated to the witty responses of the other three.

2. Later, Ugly Bint Someone With Personal Problem, now wearing a different outfit, goes Shoe shopping with pet gay man. Pet gay man attempts to offer advice on the Personal Problem, but fails because his voice is too staccato, whiny and high pitched to concentrate on. Pet gay man then attempts to hump lady’s leg, fails again. Pet gay man attempts to hump shop assistant’s leg, fails yet again.

3. Graphic scenes of the sexual exploits of the eldest, horniest woman in which we see waaaaay too much pubic hair and sweat and more pubic hair and some convoluted piece of novelty sexual apparatus.

4. Cut to horsey woman (new outfit, ridiculous Shoes) loafing around her apartment, pondering the Personal Problem revealed at lunch. In third person. Watch her formulate a Life Question and type it beautifully onto her laptop (no typos, no mistakes, no bloody Paperclip to ask if she’d like help writing her wanky column).

5. Ad break: Baileys, Persil, Tampax, Anna Friel whining about how walking to the shops cost her £4060 because she was duped into buying some Shoes which cost £60 per step before 7pm and £40 after (silly bint), some brummy woman with a megaphone exclaiming “Don’t panic, I’ve got this week’s Heat”, Tampax (again).

6. Four women do dinner this time, new outfits (is that hat made out of the previous scene’s Shoes?), horse-woman bumps into one of her many exes, who is thirty-four years older than her. Horse woman attempts to snog face off ex, tries really hard not to walk off with his false teeth in her cheek. Whilst she’s chewing on his polygrip ultra, she realises she has just discovered the solution to this week’s Personal Problem. She also realises that none of them have jobs unless the storyline requires them to sleep with a colleague/manager/cleaner with some sort of sexual problem, or who is hung like a drayhorse. She skips down the street in a tutu (where did she change outfits? We can’t keep up). Gets Shoe horribly caught in drain cover.

7. Ugly Bint Someone gets shagged yet never removes bra.

8. Blindingly obvious yet entirely hypocritical moral solution to Personal Problem is padded out into a 10 minute monologue played over scenes of a horse and cart in Center Parcs Central Park with a patronising voiceover, finishing with “in summary… yes.” By this time we’ve forgotten the question. Which leaves us wondering if the horsey woman had schizophrenia and the three other characters were merely outward representations of her multiple personalities… or perhaps just a tiresome plot-line device in her column.

9. After credits finish rolling, horsey woman screams at her ‘Friends’ in the mirror, crushes can of Red Bull and then attempts to lean out of her penthouse balcony and hit someone on the head with it.

This loving tribute to the sextravaganza that was Sex In The City involved some kinky three way action between Simon, Sarah and Ben.